When did this become normal? At what point in my marriage, I wonder to myself sometimes, did this become routine? Or excusable? Why can't Lawrence just yell at me like he used to? And why can't I just keep my big mouth shut?
I know I was asking, nay, begging for it the other night, when I got home from dancing with the others on the Garden Committee and found Lawrence waiting for me in the living room. I just couldn't have kept quiet, I couldn't have just apologized and gone to bed. It wasn't as if I had been drinking – I can't use intoxication as an excuse. I just stood there, smirking and chuckling at him while he bellowed at me about coming home so late, about keeping him waiting about going out with that man.... It wasn't as if I was with just Dean, anyway, but Lawrence wouldn't hear of it....
*sigh* After the fight, Lawrence stormed off into the night, and I... well, I did something stupid. I decided I needed to get out of the house, and -for lack of another place to go- I went to see Dean. I did not even bother to fix myself up before trudging -in a broken high-heel and without my glasses, which lay smashed on my bedroom floor- the four city blocks to Dean's apartment. Boy, by the look on his face when he got there, he would've sooner expected to see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse knocking at his door at three AM.
I stayed there until sun-up, crying and talking and persuading Dean not to go after Lawrence. I should never have gone over there, though. This is my problem, not his, but talking with him, being with him in general, just makes me feel so... safe.